Football

With the news that Motorhead are sponsoring a Lincolnshire under-10's football team ...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lincolnshire/6149606.stm

... I decided to take a look at other forthcoming rock star tie-ins of a slightly dubious nature.

Ozzy to appeal on behalf of the RSPCA

Animal lover Ozzy Osbourne is to appear in a series of television advertisments highlighting the plight of the UK's bird and bat population. "I love birds and bats," mumbles Ozzy, "especially raw on stage or in front of a horrified record executive."

Megadeth to sponsor Metallica

"We're delighted to have Dave Mustaine and his excellent band Megadeth sponsor our latest world tour," said James Hetfield at a recent press conference, "and the fact that my wife and children are missing at the moment has nothing to do with this," he continued, tears in his eyes.

Cliffknot

After an administrative error that saw lead vocalist Corey Taylor executed, Slipknot have finally announced his replacement - Sir Cliff Richard. "It's a bit of a coup for the band," quips drummer Joey Jordison, "We were looking for a new singer and Cliff was looking to take his music in a different direction, so it's a marriage made in heaven. Cliff's mask of fanged vaginas and seeping cocks is already on order."

Roger Waters becomes children's author

"It's something I've always wanted to do," says Roger, "My first story concerns the adventures of a boy who disappears up a giant screaming anus and finds himself in the trenches of the First World War. And it's got a dog in it."

The Beatles missile defence system

"We worked out the Star Wars missile defence system would cost seventy billion dollars, and it's money we simply do not have," said General Horshank Sponagger of the US Joint Chiefs of Staff, "so we've got together with The Beatles to find a cheaper solution. We propose a series of giant stereo systems that will orbit the Earth above the United States. Any incoming ICBMs will automatically trigger the stereos to start playing All You Need Is Love at a trillion decibels. Paul McCartney assures me the missiles will see the error of their ways and decide to settle down and live the quiet life on a farm in Scotland ... probably."

Crosby, Stills, Nash, Young and Savile

In a move many see as 'bewildering', seventies super-group Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young have re-formed - adding new member Jimmy Savile to their line-up. "I think our close vocal-harmonies can only be improved by having them interrupted by a suspicious old man going 'Urrrggggh urrrrggghhh urrrrggggh' and ''Ow's about that then' at random intervals." Dave Crosby has said, "Our first single will be an updated version of Our House with the words 'Jewl'ry Jewl'ry' and 'Guys 'n' Gals' cropping up when you least expect it."