How A Magazine Is Made

This month's edition of Classic Rock magazine (the periodical for those that find the resurgence of Take That nothing short of the end of civilisation as we know it) sees the venerable organ reach the grand old age of 100. "No great achievement", I hear you say, "why that ratty old French bird reached 124 on a diet of boiled eggs and cigarettes. Away with your pitiful centenary, whippersnapper!" But wait! Before you reach for the letter-bombs, it's worth noting just what a staggering achievement this actually is. Getting a magazine together is a trial of Herculean proportions and many readers don't fully understand the complexities involved (because it's hard to think straight with sixteen copies of Empire stuffed up your jumper and a security guard nearby). Let's see how popular music magazine Rocktacular goes from concept to news-stand ...

First Editorial Meeting

After spending all night getting drunk, Rocktacular's Editor rolls in at 11:47 in the morning and calls an emergency editorial meeting. It's dawned on him that, as last month's publishing deadlines were not met due largely to fucking about, this month's edition has only three weeks to publication. The editor demands his 'team' come up with a theme for this month's edition quickly or they're all fucked. The Deputy Editor suggests one she's stolen from a five year old copy of Q magazine - late for his lunch, the editor agrees and storms from the office.

Front Cover

Recovering from a severe hangover after a night on the tiles with another man's wife, the Art Editor drags himself in front of his computer monitor and tries to think of something to put on the front cover. Determined that this will be the month he does something blisteringly original that will win him awards, he is thwarted by severe diarrhea, handing the Deputy Art Editor a badly drawn sketch as he rushes for the toilet. The Deputy Art Editor takes one look at the sketch and interprets it as 'an old picture of Queen with writing over the top of it'. There will be no awards handed out to Rocktacular this month.

Features

Following a furious row with her boyfriend, the Deputy Editor commissions an article on David Bowie from a contributing writer in Wales. She knows this will really get up her boyfriend's nose because he hates David Bowie with a passion. The writer commissioned to do the piece is delighted to be sent the commission and rushes to the hospital to have his stomach pumped of the 54 paracetamol tablets he's just swallowed. He knows in his heart, however, that the £280 he's to be paid for the piece won't make a dent in the £30,000 debt he's got himself into since becoming a freelance journalist, and promises to commit suicide again once the article is finished.

Meanwhile, the Editor sends Rocktacular's most dangerous and exciting writer (an American who, unbeknownst to the staff back in the UK, has previous convictions for child molestation) to go 'on the road' with America's most dangerous and exciting band. He throws himself into the task with gusto - so much so that his rotting corpse is found floating face-down in the Hudson river six weeks later. The editor cobbles together an article based on a drunken phone call from the writer which he publishes posthumously in his name, along with an accompanying tribute with a photo supposedly of the author that turns out to be Ringo Starr in his 'beard period'.

Breaking News

Whilst having sex with an elderly prostitute, the Editor hears the sad news of the death of a bass player who was thrown out of his band after their second studio album. Despite knowing the bassist was a contemptible little shit with the habit of rifling through people's drawers, he runs the obligatory obituary that calls the dead man a 'genius' who will 'be sorely missed in the music industry' ... this despite him having nothing to do with the recording business since 1974.

Album Reviews

Thanks to a postal error, all albums that need reviewing that month are sent to one man - a writer of a nervous disposition who's used to reviewing just six a month. Unfortunately for him, it's a depressing month with both Coldplay and Radiohead releasing new albums, as well as Best Ofs from Joy Division, The Jesus And Mary Chain and Depeche Mode. After dutifully listening to all these and filing his reports, he puts a gun to his head and pulls the trigger.

Illustrator

The Editor decides a piece on The Byrds needs an illustration to distract readers from just how badly written the article is. The Art Editor contacts Rocktacular's regular Illustrator asking for a caricature montage of the band. The Illustrator (who is a hopeless drunk) agrees readily, despite having never done a caricature before in his life. The Art Editor gives the Illustrator a two week deadline - time which the illustrator uses to go on holiday. After returning, he draws the caricature the night before the deadline using a 200 pixel jpg image he's found on a website as his only point of reference. The resulting piece looks nothing like The Byrds, but by then it's too late to do anything about it so the Illustrator is paid his money by a furious Editor who vows never to use his services again. This doesn't worry the Illustrator as the following week he's due in prison after being found guilty of massive tax-evasion (or self-employment as it's sometimes known).

Second Editorial Meeting

A crisis has emerged when reports filter into Rocktacular's office that the lead singer of the band the magazine's main feature focuses on has been charged with serious sexual assault. Deciding he can't get away with running the feature, the Editor pulls it in favour of 'some fucking Led Zeppelin thing again'. Jimmy Page is woken in the middle of the night by a journalist and asked for his thoughts on the band's foot hygeine issues. The subsequent feature is advertised on the front cover as 'World Exclusive! Me, Led Zeppelin, and Bad Feet ... by Jimmy Page!'

Crossword

The Crossword Act (1947) states that 'All publications, no matter how low-brow, must contain at least one crossword. Failure to comply with this law will result in a £30,000 fine and sixteen years imprisonment'. The Compiler of the Crossword (a shadowy figure - the stuff of nightmares) sends this month's puzzle into the magazine with the attached note:

Dear Bastard

I don't need to explain myself to you.

The Compiler of the Crossword

Furious, the Editor contacts his Publisher (the boss) and demands they sack the Compiler of the Crossword on the grounds of insubordination. The Publisher points out that the last Editor to try this was found hanging from a railway bridge, minus his hands.

Jack Daniels

A crate containing sixteen bottles of Jack Daniels whiskey arrives at the magazine's offices. Overnight, a two-page 'tribute to rock's rocket fuel' replaces that month's news in the 'In The Front' section of the magazine. Delighted Jack Daniels executives invite the editorial team (which has suddenly swelled to 220 people, amongst them the Editor's wife and father) over to America to tour their bottling plant. A meeting is called where it is decided the trip will go under the catagory of 'fact-finding' (as opposed to the more usual term 'bung').

Photographer

Rocktacular's photographer has spent the month following Guns n' Roses around on tour. The Editor needs the photographs but can't get through to the Photographer due to his being in hospital. He's being treated for gonnorhea, syphilis, chlamydia, genital warts, herpes and AIDS. His wife, a supermodel, promises she'll get the Photographer to get in touch with the Editor just as soon as she can drag him off the staff nurse he's currently having sex with.

Advertising

The magazine's nearly ready. The Chief Advertising Executive and his team pull out all the stops to sell their allotted spaces and hence turn a profit for the magazine. London runs dry of cocaine in six hours flat.

Deadline

It's all hands to the pumps as 'Deadline Day' arrives. Rocktacular is ready to be sent to the printer's despite being full of factual errors and 'typos'. There's no time to change these mistakes, however, as that night the editorial team are due to don black tie for their annual awards ceremony. Promising the Publisher he will 'do better next time', the Editor presses SEND on his computer then rushes from the building whooping like an excited child. The magazine has been 'put to bed' ... it will be many days before the complaints start flooding in.