A Brief Guide To Lincolnshire

The People

Lincolnshire natives are inbred. Children are born without eyes, men develop inverted faces, women often give birth to seal pups, chainsaw-wielding madmen wearing other people's skin roam the countryside, dogs usually have ten legs, and spider-babies and girls with testicles instead of tits are a common site. Most speak a form of English known as Manglish where sentences are half-mumbled before being followed by a ferocious physical attack. Lincolnshire people traditionally work in agriculture, often tilling the fields naked even in the harshest winters - both males and females are covered in coats of thick, matted hair and can withstand temperatures of -30o.

The Potato

Lincolnshire's flat, featureless landscape is home to the potato, both vegetable and human, and all life revolves around this most humble of tubers. The potato is not only the main source of food (native Lincolnshire types are frightened by more complicated vegetables, such as carrots or cress), but also the county's official currency and its only major religion. Festivals such as Woman's Woe (where an unsuspecting woman has a large potato shoved up her arse before being gang-raped by the men of the village) keep the potato at the forefront of Lincolnshire culture, as does PoofterFest (where homosexuals are pelted unconscious with potatoes, then burned at the stake).

Culture

When not eating, marrying or making love to potatoes, the natives of Lincolnshire relax by beating unsuspecting 'outsiders' to death. An 'outsider' is a stranger from beyond the boundaries of the county and can be easily identified by the yellow stars sewn onto their coats. Each year several thousand 'outsiders' are rounded up and gassed.

Sport

Lincolnshire's most popular sport is Beetball. Played in a field of recently harvested barley, two teams take it in turns to pelt cats tied to posts with either sugar beet or beetroot. When all the cats are dead, the teams traditionally turn on each other and the game only ends when one side or the other have lost all their ears (some village teams have an advantage here, fielding teams of farmers who have been earless from birth). Another sport gaining popularity is the relatively new game of Polski-Spatter where Polish farm workers are driven into the countryside and shot by aristocrats.

Media

As Lincolnshire natives cannot read, the county's newspaper (Der Angrieff) is published entirely in pictorial form. As well as the usual sections on news, sport and upcoming events, the paper regularly publishes photographs of farmers having intercourse with sprouts, negro hunts, lynchings, witch-burnings and line-dancing competitions. The paper also publishes a weekly Reader's Wives section which features distasteful images of naked overweight housewives shoving sausages up their fundaments. The county also has its own radio station, Potato FM, which is infamous for only ever playing Phil Collins' Another Day In Paradise.

Hobbies and Leisure

Lincolnshire's most popular hobby is fishing. However, unlike elsewhere in the country, the rod and line has been replaced with the bazooka and rocket-propelled grenade, and the fish has been superceded by the partially-submerged asylum seeker. Another popular pastime is darts (though the board is usually replaced with a human head).

Sights

Lincolnshire's fields are its most popular tourist attractions. Hundreds of tourists are rounded up monthly, driven in cattle trucks to the fields, lined up in front of shallow pits, then shot in the back of the head by farmers. Also of note is the old gaol at Lincoln Castle - here visitors can marvel at a dining table and full dinner service made entirely from human bones.

How To Get There

Don't.